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BROKEN HEART - day 41 YESOD sh b’ YESOD
Counting Omer 5 full weeks and 6 days of the
Omer
PSALMS OF MY SOUL and photos © Joy Krauthammer
Kabbalistic Sephirat HaOmer - ספירת העומר
Kabbalistic Sephirat HaOmer - ספירת העומר
Yesod sh b'Yesod on the Tree of Life
foundation,
relationship, bonding, creation and ancestry
Joy Krauthammer 6.2.2016
Do I bond easily or not with people, nature, meaningful
experiences, employment?
Why is my bonding easy or difficult?
How can I better bond with another?
Do I acknowledge the bond?
Is one person more dependent than the other? Is there
resentment?
What are the consequences of the quality of my bonding?
Do I spend quality time with others? What is quality
time?
How do I experience others' hearts and souls?
What would I like to share of myself? and vice versa.
In bonding have I felt that I am taken advantage of or
manipulated?
How do I decide whether or not to continue my bond, or
break a bond?
Where is the value, authenticity, truth, mutuality, the
caring in this bond?
How do I feel and handle it when the bond is being ripped
apart by illness or death?
What do I do with my broken heart when the bond is
suffering upon learning of break?
And only memories will remain.
On this double portion/energy potion of Yesod, I am bereft of easy
words yet filled with wet tears.
This Yesod story of sadness comes from an almost half
century of strong beloved friendship bonding that began in college art class in the sixties and teen Friend hung out at my home.
Yesod at its best– relationship,
foundation, bonding, and transmitting of caring, awe, beauty, harmony, compassion,
drive, humility, splendor, and now in Yesod, a flowing of all the above and
then into the manifestation of and grounding with roots for Shechinah in
Malchut to finish Yesod's week.
One of my most dear friends in the world is on her journey past her last joyous Chesed, Tiferet and Hod-filled days with loved ones, community and the world. With Gevurah,
Friend has limited contact with community, desiring isolation while suffering from the devouring
disease.
Thus, this week of Yesod is hard on me– not invited to
visit, and surely on all others who know and love my/our Friend. It must be hardest
on my Friend. She has been ever present for me in
sadness, grieving, illnesses, deaths, transitions, births, birthdays, simchas, chagim, Rosh
HaShana, creativity, play, art, dancing, movement, music, nature, and joys. When Friend traveled in Netzach to very foreign lands with a knapsack, I didn't see her.
Friend is like a beautiful garment of my soul, a skin on my
body, one with memory, caring wisdom and love. A bright Light. An important
part of me dies too, is dying, as Friend has been a serious part of my life.
Life cycles and laughter shared.
With my coming birthday this year, this week on the first
day of Malchut, my friend won’t be
celebrating with me. A miracle? Instead choosing to be alone in her pain which must be present
in all Four Worlds. Friend has chosen (aside from immediate family) to isolate
herself for this journey. In Yesod/bonding I realize I must and do accept this. I
must shake off the deeply torn and saddest feelings I have as this is not about me
but about a dying friend whom I may never see again. Friend is my memory
holder of truth, caring and love. Auntie to my daughter. Wise Chochmah
woman to my conflicts, questions, and confidences.
Smiling joyous play mate on the pier's carousel and by sea, seat mate at the birthday movies and theatre, museum mate and always ready to share Chinese food (Friend speaks Chinese!) and kosher knishes, walks in the park and talks with strangers, and happy to try a new sample flavor of coffee, and drink tea from leaves, and share Thanksgiving and Tofuturkey. In 1970's inherited my piano music and 1980's my daughter's wood building blocks. Learned together in sixties with New York's avant-garde LaMama Theatre, and potted together, listened to each other's music (friend on flute), appreciated each other's art creativity, and family and friends' bonds. Friend visited my musician cousins in the Berkshires because she loved them.
Recently we rode subways to New York museums (and she used to work at the Metropolitan Museum, and with my sister in an art shop on Madison Avenue). (Did Friend work also on Sesame Street?) Arrested together in spring 1969 on a desolate island in the middle of a river on a rainy day for 'trespassing' and not heeding boat police bull-horn warnings. (We were not cooperating with the cops and gave ridiculous phony names.) The next year we met the Lubavitch Rebbe together at 770 Eastern Parkway when he gave us honeycake. With me on my very first drive in my first purchased car from the Bronx to Queens to Brooklyn and back and we survived. With me at funerals of my mom, z"l, and husband, z"l and I at her sister's, z"l, funeral.
Smiling joyous play mate on the pier's carousel and by sea, seat mate at the birthday movies and theatre, museum mate and always ready to share Chinese food (Friend speaks Chinese!) and kosher knishes, walks in the park and talks with strangers, and happy to try a new sample flavor of coffee, and drink tea from leaves, and share Thanksgiving and Tofuturkey. In 1970's inherited my piano music and 1980's my daughter's wood building blocks. Learned together in sixties with New York's avant-garde LaMama Theatre, and potted together, listened to each other's music (friend on flute), appreciated each other's art creativity, and family and friends' bonds. Friend visited my musician cousins in the Berkshires because she loved them.
Recently we rode subways to New York museums (and she used to work at the Metropolitan Museum, and with my sister in an art shop on Madison Avenue). (Did Friend work also on Sesame Street?) Arrested together in spring 1969 on a desolate island in the middle of a river on a rainy day for 'trespassing' and not heeding boat police bull-horn warnings. (We were not cooperating with the cops and gave ridiculous phony names.) The next year we met the Lubavitch Rebbe together at 770 Eastern Parkway when he gave us honeycake. With me on my very first drive in my first purchased car from the Bronx to Queens to Brooklyn and back and we survived. With me at funerals of my mom, z"l, and husband, z"l and I at her sister's, z"l, funeral.
An important part of me dies too, is dying, as Friend has
been a deeply serious part of my life, like another skin, a beautiful garment, one
with caring wisdom, understanding and love. Our adult daughters are friends. And since decades ago I also appreciate Friend's dear husband and his calls to me at this time.
Friend does not want contact with anyone, except her immediate
family and cancer MD, as she is on her journey in her quiet inward way. I need to accept this and I do, but it is hard to lose a
friend, even while they are alive, and not be able to share a last hug or
movie, or ride on a carousel, or watch as the friend creates hot glue gun
gemstone magic wand art with my granddaughter, or to reminisce together about truth.
Yesod bonding has its truth and consequences. Love is all that matters in
life.
~ ~ ~
“The circles of women around us weave invisible nets of love
that carry us when we’re weak and sing with us when we are strong.” - Sark
photos © Joy Krauthammer
~ ~ ~
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